Full list of jokes
A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals.The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain."Where the hell am I?"A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over.""Well, what the hell happened to me?""We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?"The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?""Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice littlebird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"Link to joke: A little girl was walking along...
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."Link to joke: A little old lady walked into...
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."Link to joke: A little town had a high...
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"Link to joke: A local United Way office realized...
If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?Link to joke: If Kenneth Starr can extend his...
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boatnot from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-pottylocated on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said,"Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"Link to joke: A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest...
Dear Abby:My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.I don't know what to do.SignedFrustrated ----------------Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.Link to joke: Dear Abby:My husband is a lying...
A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of theworld's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cablesnaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phonedoesn't work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all herclothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man"make me feel like a woman again!" So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, andsays "pick that up, bitch."Link to joke: A man and a woman are...
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar gettingdrunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down."My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said."What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she toldme that I was too kinky for her, too!"The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have somuch in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to havekinky sex.When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrixoutfit.However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting onhis coat and walking out the door."What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit inyour purse. I'm done."Link to joke: A man and a woman are...
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to giveme $5 for it."Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.But they pay me $25."The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted somemore before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in thedonation center.Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."Link to joke: A man and a woman were...
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