Full list of jokes
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."Link to joke: Attorney to witness: "And where was...
A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"Link to joke: A priest is teaching a nun...
A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"Link to joke: A priest was vested in his...
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist."My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am sofucking hideous that no one will associate withme, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much betterabout themselves is my area of expertise. I canstart making you feel more confident about yourappearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the otherside of the room and lie face down on my couch."Link to joke: A profoundly ugly girl went to...
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a longflight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks ifhe would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, sohe politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lottafun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get tosleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't knowthe answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you$50!"This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this tormentunless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the firstquestion. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineerdoesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollarbill and hands it to the Programmer.Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hillwith three legs, and comes down on four?"The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptopcomputer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone withhis modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineerpolitely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks"Well, so what's the answer?"Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.Link to joke: A Programmer and an Engineer are...
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into thebedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"Link to joke: While away at a convention, an...
A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!Link to joke: A prostitute goes to the hospital...
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died.""But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."Link to joke: A psychiatrist met a friend and...
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a fieldassignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis ballseverywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballseverywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here Igoing to be a professional baseball player."The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in themiddle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanuton the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand aboutthe others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?""They're never going to let me out of here," the patientsaid "I'm f**king nuts!"Link to joke: A psychology student at a local...
A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him."Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," heanswers.The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...let him in!"Link to joke: A decorated war veteran, fresh off...
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