Full list of jokes
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."Link to joke: A carpet layer had just finished...
A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said,handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "Link to joke: A carpet-layer had just finished installing...
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer."It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy."Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"Link to joke: A city boy was visiting the...
One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her." To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion 'good night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money."If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his atorney and explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as follows:- Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed amount. The rent was by no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask Judgment be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense was, therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property,that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones, erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted. The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do the cleaning up, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be granted. SHE GOT IT!Link to joke: One evening after attending a concert,...
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."Link to joke: A college couple is under a...
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."Link to joke: A college professor's going to bed...
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."Link to joke: A construction worker goes to the...
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassinga young girl as she walked by the construction site.She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible wheneven an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"Link to joke: A construction worker was whistling and...
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"Link to joke: A cop sees a car weaving...
A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneafternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for thehorse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog'sfate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy willbe burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening theIndian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish,within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the thefollowing morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his lastrequest is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is broughtby the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion andwhispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runsthrough the Indian village and over the hill. This does notparticularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know whatto do with the dog anyway.At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied bysome two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say thebraves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboythat his stake burning was being postponed as they were all tootired from partying.The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude forfurnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you anotherrequest before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Againthe cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog isbrought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companionand whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, soplease get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"Link to joke: A cowboy along with his horse...